weak but not giving in
by andthenshesaid
Summary: "Sometimes she thinks she'd be better off as a stripper, because it's not like there are many options for little girls with daddy issues anyway." Gildarts and Cana. Spoilers.


**Weak But Not Giving In**

crawl back into bed to dream of a time  
>when your heart was open wide<br>and you loved things just because

**une**

"Today, the old man taught me how to do this cool trick – it's not like the magic stuff though. Mama says I get that from you, and I like for the old man to teach me how to use those too, but today it was just with a plain pack of cards. It's really fun, see – you make the card disappear, like this, but it's not really disappearing –"

Up until Cana is 7 (that's when her mother dies) there is a picture of her father that she keeps tucked under her pillow. It's not a very good picture – about half of it was torn from when Cana had ripped it out of her mother's scrapbook and there were faded lines from it being folded – so you couldn't really see the neckline of his shirt or her mother's eyes, but she sees her mother's eyes every day and collarbones hold no interest for her, so that's of little importance. He is a tall man, and her mother is a short woman. That much she can tell. He has some kind of five o clock shadow and dark eyes that look like Cana's, but his hair is lighter – sort of like crumbled autumn leaves instead of the dark color hers are.

Her mother was the sort of woman who smelled like red wine and used the word _fuck_ like other people used commas. She used to pick Cana up from the magic shop where she played with cards – magic cards, usually, an old man who had vaguely become her surrogate father lived there and it was nice, sometimes, to pretend like he was her family – and then they'd sit at the table, Cana with a nice dinner and her mother with a glass of cheap wine and her mother would tell her stories. Cana always asked most for the stories about mages and guilds and her father.

She memorized those stories, in the way scientists memorize formulas.

Other than the one picture of her father – whose name was Gildarts, who liked whiskey, who fought dragons – she really doesn't have anything, but Cana likes to play pretend.

So in her head her father is a dashing man who always smells like barbeque and brings her presents when he gets back from trips, but is always home in time for dinner – to hear about her day. He can't sing, but he does anyway. And he's strong – so he can pick her up and swing her around like Ruby's father does to her.

When her mother dies – dies quick, the old man at the card shop tells her, so she doesn't have anything to worry about, because mama is in heaven now – she leaves town and doesn't take anything with her except a pack of cards, her favorite skirt, and that picture.

**due**

Cana _knows_ that it is him.

And, she's been planning this meeting since she set out to search for Fairy Tail – he would recognize her from across a crowded square, and then he would start running. That's when Cana would see him, a man dressed like a knight in shining armor with a sword strapped on, and she would run to him too and everyone in the crowd would stop and stare as he picked her up and spun her around – like Ruby's father always did – and then he would smile and tell her that he'd always known they'd find each other. She'd tell the story about her mother, while he hugged her tight, and a few tears would escape his eyes – because he really did love her mother, really and truly, just like a fairy tale – and then he would take her to his house where he would already have a room set up for her, painted dark grey and dark pink and bright orange – those were her favorite colors – and with the kind of bed with a canopy, and every night he would listen to her talk about her day and smile and read her bed time stories.

But, when she sees him walking through the alley – and alley filled with bars and drunks and crumbled bits of paper – she thinks she can give up the running through a crowded alley part of the fantasy.

Still, when he sees her – when he turns around and he's gonna smile and she's gonna say "daddy" and pick her up and spin her around and both of their smiles will break their faces and maybe there won't be a room ready in his house, but he'll make one, and let her pick out what colors to paint it and he'll buy her some new magic cards and he'll still be home at night to listen about her day.

He says: "What are you doing here little girl?"

Part of her heart snaps – but that's okay, maybe, because she has grown up – her hair has gotten longer and she wears skirts now and maybe she has this magic aura, so he can't really recognize her – her mother never told her if they actually met, but they had too – he had to recognize her, it would just take a bit.

"_Daddy_." She whispers, and the picture tucked into her deck of cards feels like it's on fire.

He smiles – only nor really a smile, more like a smirk. "If you hang around here your clothes will wind up reeking of booze. Hurry up and get home."

He turns away.

There are so many things Cana wants to scream – _why _and _huh_ and _what_ and _my mama's dead_ and _love me_ and _recognize me_ and _daddy _and _today I walked a really long time and then I came here and I tripped over a cobblestone and some villagers laughed at me._

But she can't move.

Eventually someone finds her on the street – an old woman with bright green eyes – and she asks "Where's your family, sweetheart" and all Cana can think to say is "Fairy Tail."

**tres**

He doesn't come back for something like a year (13 months, one week, six days) and by the time he does Cana is a full fledged (slash charity case) member of Fairy Tail and Macao always brings her juice because he says she doesn't need to be drinking even though Mama used to let her have red wine all the time and he is eight years older than her, so he thinks he knows things like that and Loke doesn't even yell at her anymore when she dumps red wine on all his girlfriends, and sometimes it even makes him laugh, only not when they're blonde. Master smiles at her and pats her head all the time, and it's almost like she belongs, sort of.

(A month after she got to the guild, Cana tried to write a letter to the old man at the card shop, but she remembers how he kissed her cheek and told her to go find her family and she doesn't feel like she did that, so she crumbles up the letter and dumps juice on it.)

There's another boy – he's a year or two younger than her but his name is Gray and he has this empty look in his eyes like she does and he doesn't always wear clothes, but his magic is ice – like one of her cards, except better – and he has a pretty smile, so she calls him her best friend.

Gray is sitting next to her when Gildarts comes back. Her hair is up and she's wearing a plaid dress that the Gray had given her as a gift – sometimes the guild members forgot that Cana was still under 10 and didn't do the big jobs and sometimes needed things like clothes and a place to live, but Gray always remembered, just like she remembered for him, and sometimes Loke helped but not so much, but they were doing fine – and her hair is up and he sweeps in wearing a ripped up cloak and boots, hands off his bag to Laxus – who is her age, and who is kind of a jerk, but Cana still think he's pretty cute – and tells him to get him some more supplies. Laxus grumbles, but does it anyway, and Cana is a bit in awe because no one ever makes Laxus do anything except Master.

(He still doesn't come running across the room to pick her up and spin her around and no one reads her stories at bedtime, so she doesn't try to tell anyone about her day.)

Beer is shoved in his hands and people are hugging him and Gray is next to her asking "who is that" and Cana maybe feels like her world is about to explode.

10 minutes later – beer empty and pack refilled, a new piece of paper taken of the board marked _S_ and he is about to leave.

Cana tries to stop him – tries to force the words _you are my dad_ out of her mouth, but nothing comes out.

"You sure have gotten big, Cana." He puts too much emphasis on the _C_ instead of the _A_.

"Yeah."

And then someone is calling for him to not miss the train and Cana goes back to her room and cries and rips up that stupid picture.

(But she tapes it up again.)

**four**

The years pass by – he will come back for minutes at a time and say something trivial to Cana and she will barely manage to choke out a response, but it will never be _today Gray and I sparred and I actually managed to beat him, because I've been practicing this new technique _or _daddy_, _please love me _so it doesn't really matter.

When she is thirteen, she goes on a job.

(Alone. Gildarts always goes on jobs alone, but sometimes Macao will convince her to go to some foreign town with him and play as the adorable little girl wing man and Gray is always fun to work with and she and Lisanna both like to go teach, but Lisanna is better.)

She kills a man.

The blood stains her hand and she feels _sick_ – even if he was a bad man and he was about to kill a little girl and he deserved it – but she still smells sickly iron and cheap wine and _god_, Cana is trying so hard not to cry.

Sometimes, she thinks she'd be better off as a stripper. It's not like there are many options for little girls with quick hands and daddy issues anyway.

When Cana gets back to Fairy Tail it's wild and not normal, which all makes her feel a little better – until she sits down next to Gray.

"You just missed Gildarts." He says. He's not wearing a shirt.

Cana blinks.

"D-did he ask about me?" She murmurs, quickly and quiet – Gray would have had to strain to hear her.

He hears her though, but he is good and nice and quiet and knows when to shut up and just sling an arm around her.

She takes it as the _no_ that it is.

"How about we get you a drink?"

Cana nods –

(In the back of her mind, she is pulling out a picture that is white from all the creases and ripped at the sides and saying _today, daddy, I killed a man_.)

**vijf**

By the time she is 13 and a half – she has killed four men and two women and a dog – Gildarts is back again.

He had said something like "Hey, Cana – pass me a beer."

She has thought that a real father would be sad that his almost fourteen year old daughter is drinking, but he's not a real father and alcohol makes her feel the kind of numb she's been chasing since she turned seven.

Her father is surrounded by a crowd of people and smiles and attention – autumn hair and shining eyes and a smile big enough to break his face.

Natsu is chasing Gray around – Lisanna is sitting peacefully next to them. Cana remembers her father actually paid attention to Lisanna. He thinks she and Natsu would be adorable together. Cana still felt some sort of dark bile like jealously rising up in her throat whenever she thought about it.

(She wants that kind of attention – she _needs_ that kind of attention.)

Cana is alone at a bar, a tankard of beer next to her – twisty dark hair and twisty dark insides, mouth reeking of beer and vodka and red wine.

She wonders if he's even her father at all – it's not like she deserves him.

**ses**

Macao is too old for her – she is about a month shy of 15 and he is near double that, but he's always there to give her a drink and sometimes his eyes shine the way Gildarts's do –

(Dammit, she's just another cliché – searching for a father's love in someone too old and too world-weary and _damn it all_.)

Still.

There's something in the way his hands slide over her hips and he whispers things like _you're the only one_ and _god, I love you_ and he kisses her like the entire world is ending.

It's something like love and Gildarts is gone on a job anyway – so there's nothing to worry about – not that Gildarts matters anyway, or he does, but not really to Cana, because she's just not worth that much.

Macao makes her feel – like maybe she is, though. Worth something.

Gray knows what's going on – he sort of shakes his head and takes off his shirt, because Gray will always be sort of Cana's best friend and he knows that she just needs this.

Lisanna knows too, but that's Lisanna. You can't keep a secret from her. And other than the occasionally disapproving-pity glance, Cana can ignore that.

Other than that, most of the guild is just too oblivious-self-absorbed-_gone_ to notice that whole tricky downward spiral thing.

Cana really does love Macao though. More than anything.

That's probably why it hurts so much when he cheats on her – cheats on her over and over again.

Cana stays with him.

(And it's probably got something to do with dead mothers and alcohol and daddy issues, or maybe the way his eyes shine like – _yeah._)

And he says – with his smooth voice and easy hands – "I mean, we were never really _exclusive_, and I'm sorry if that wasn't clear… Besides, we can still – _you know_." And before Cana knows anything else she's in his bed again and his mouth tastes like whiskey and –

In the end that other girl in a string of other girls gets pregnant and maybe Macao was always a shit boyfriend, but he was going to be a great father, Cana could tell that much.

"She's pregnant." He whispers, his face close to hers. "I'm gonna have a kid, Cana."

Macao kisses her one last time – this time it's slow and sweet and soft, nothing like the hot-hot-hot heat before.

Cana spends the night that is born curled up on Gray's couch – wearing one of his shirts, the kind that used to be too big on her but are sort of beginning to get a little bit tight and hugging a beer to her chest, but not really drinking.

Cana hasn't been able to get drunk in a really long time, and she doesn't see why now should be any different.

The next morning – because the universe hates her more than anything or something – Gildarts decides to show up.

She sits next to Gray and tries not to care – that she's so worthless her father doesn't love her, Macao doesn't love her, and no one loves her –

She takes another swig of _something_ and tries really hard at this not thinking thing.

"Cana. You doin' okay?"

And _god_ – here is where she wants to say it. More than anything – _I'm your daughter, daddy, I'm your daughter , and today I got my heart broken and I can't stop drinking and no one ever read me bedtime stories_.

But her mouth won't form the words.

"Yeah."

Usually, that's where he would decide he'd done enough of his chattering to unimportant guild members, but there's something in his eyes so he doesn't.

"Heard Master was considering you for S Mage."

"Me?"

"Yeah. You try your best, okay kid?"

And it's not a bedtime story, and he's not listening to her day, and he's not picking her up and swinging her around like Ruby's dad used to do, but –

It's probably as close as she's gonna get.

And when she's an S Mage, then she'll be ready – ready to be Gildarts Clive's daughter.

**siedem**

"Today, I'm taking the test again. Daddy, I know that I failed the other four times – and god, I'm so sorry, I know. I'm never going to be the type of daughter that you need. But Lucy – Lucy, you remember her – she thinks that I could do it this year. And I believe her, I think."

**and also, this thing: **

So. Uh. Cana turned out way more angsty than I meant her too. But, like yeah. Also. My theory – whatever it is – is probably going to get screwed in the next chapter or so, but whatever.

Disclaimed: fairy tail to hiro mashima, the lyrics/title to "a better son/daughter" by rilo kiley, and the bolded words are one-two-three-four-five-six-seven in different languages.

Thoughts/Reviews/Rambles/Criticisms are greatly appreciated and make me smile. But please don't favorite without reviewing.

**the end **


End file.
